Stories for Laughs
We offer this page of poems, stories and quotes to help you have a better day. If you have a positive poem or story that you would like to share with others, please email us.
The Foot Rule
There is a formula for figuring out how bed space is allocated. It is
called the "Foot Rule." You start by determining the total number of
feet (as in those at the end of the legs, not the kind made up by
inches). Then you divide that total by the number of feet belonging to
the person(s) or dog(s) in question. This is how it works: You and
spouse share your bed with 1 dog. You and your spouse total 4 feet
and the dog also has 4 feet. That is a total of 8 feet. The dog has
4 out of 8 feet or 50%, therefore, the dog gets 50% of the bed.
You could work this in reverse as well. You have 2 out of 8 feet or 25%
and so does your spouse, so each of you gets 25% and the dog gets
50%.
Now I have 5 dogs. At 4 feet per dog, that is 20 feet. Add to that my
2 feet and we have a total of 22 feet in the bed. I have 2 out of 22
feet which is 1/11th or 9.1% of the bed. The dogs, since they share a
total of 20 of 22 feet, get 10/11ths or 90.9% of the bed. Simple
isn't it?!
Once I figured out my percent of the bed space, the next step was to
work out the exact area that I am entitled to. My bed is a California
King which is approximately 6 ft x 7 ft.
Here is the math:
6 ft x 7 ft = 42 square feet
42 square feet = 6048 square inches
9.1% of 6048 = 550 square inches
550 square inches = 45.8 total inches
45.8 inches = 3.8 total feet
In order to determine the exact size of my bed space, I needed to know
the percentage of length to width - this comes out to 54% long to 46%
wide.
When I apply these percentages to my spot:
550 square inches x 54% = 297 square inches
550 square inches x 46% = 253 square inches
297 square inches = 24.7 inches
253 square inches = 21.1 inches
24.7 inches = 2.1 feet
21.1 inches = 1.8 feet
Now that the math is all done, the figures show that the dimensions of
my part of the bed are 2.1 feet by 1.8 feet or in other words:
I GET THE PILLOW!!!
Author unknown
How to Wrap Presents with the Dogs in the House by Christi Green 1997
1. Gather presents, boxes, paper, etc. in middle of living room floor.
2. Get tape back from puppy.
3. Remove scissors from older dog's mouth.
4. Open box.
5. Take puppy out of box.
6. Remove tape from older dog's mouth.
7. Take scissors away from puppy.
8. Put present in box.
9. Remove present from puppy's mouth.
10. Put back in box after removing puppy from box.
11. Take scissors from older dog & sit on them.
12. Remove puppy from box & put on lid.
13. Take tape away from older dog.
14. Unroll paper.
15. Take puppy OFF box.
16. Cut paper being careful not to cut puppy's foot or nose that is getting in the way as it "helps".
17. Let puppy tear remaining paper.
18. Take puppy off box.
19. Wrap paper around box.
20. Remove puppy from box & take wrapping paper from its mouth.
21. Tell older dog to fetch the tape so he will stop stealing it.
22. Take scissors away from puppy.
23. Take tape older dog is holding.
24. Quickly tape one spot before taking scissors from older dog & sitting on them again.
25. Fend off puppy trying to steal tape & tape another spot.
26. Take bow from older dog.
27. Go get roll of wrapping paper puppy ran off with.
28. Take scissors from older dog who took them when you got up.
29. Give pen to older dog to hold so he stops licking your face.
30. Remove puppy from present & hurriedly slap tape on to hold the paper on.
31. Take now soggy bow from puppy & tape on since the sticky stuff no longer sticks.
32. Take pen from older dog, address tag & affix while puppy tries to eat pen.
33. Grab present before puppy opens it & put it away.
34. Clean up mess puppy & older dog made playing tug-of-war with remnants of wrapping paper.
35. Put away rest of wrapping supplies & tell dogs what good helpers they are.
Satan and the Old Timer
Satan entered a large building where an AKC show was being held. Everyone, upon seeing the devil, ran screaming from the building. The only person left inside was a grey headed gentleman seated down by the obedience ring. The evil incarnate spoke to the man saying "Do you know who I am?"
"Sure do" was the old man's reply.
Hearing that there was no fear in his voice the devil asked "Do you know I could destroy you with a word?"
"Possible" stated the Old Timer.
Becoming quite perturbed at the total lack of terror, the devil screamed "I COULD BANISH YOU TO HELL FOR ETERNITY OLD MAN. WHY DO YOU NOT FEAR ME?????"
Unshaken, the man replied "I've shown dogs for forty years. I've gotten obedience titles on no less than a dozen dogs. I'm pretty sure that at least three of them were your children."
Dog Property Laws
1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it' mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.
Potential Puppy Owner's Test
Are you truly ready for a dog? This is a test that every Potential Puppy
Owner (PPO) must pass and, after passing, will be given a license to
begin learning about the breed of their choice.
No physical force, yelling, or cursing is allowed during the test.
Protective clothing or soil-proof clothes are not allowed. Small wounds and
scratches are to be handled in a blase' manner. Tests will be held in a
variety of environments and PPO will enter brush, woods etc. with a happy
face. Any PPO seen wiping dog hair or saliva off their clothing will not pass.
The tests:
PPO must control a highly stimulated 10 month old male GSD puppy. PPO
must be able to get the dog to do a down in two minutes. Flat buckle collar
and nylon lead only.
PPO must stand between a 14 month old Golden Retriever and a field. The
handler of the puppy will then throw a ball directly into the path of
the Golden. PPO must stand their ground and take their clobbering in good
nature.
PPO must serve dinner to 6 Rottweiller puppies, not older than 6 months
and not younger than 4 months. PPO must not spill the food and the puppies
will not be held in any stay position.
PPO must quiet 4 Shelties, or 6 Pomeranians, when the doorbell rings. PPO has
two minutes and the puppies must have been handled previously by a breeder
immune to the noise who lives in the middle of nowhere.
PPO must hold their ground with 10 Jack Russell chasing an animal they
perceive as prey. PPO must hold their leashes and not move more than 6
inches. No corrections may be issued, but PPO is welcome to try to distract
them.
PPO must walk 2 Great Danes on ice. PPO must not move more than 100
feet.
PPO must play with a Newfoundland after the dog has been swimming in a
pond. They must attempt to dry themselves with a dishtowel. At no time will
the PPO appear disgusted.
PPO must leave 3 Huskies alone in their home, uncrated, for 3 hours. PPO
is allowed to cry upon return.
PPO must groom an adult male Collie blowing coat completely within 25
minutes, ears, nails, teeth and coat. The dog will have been recently
bathed to give PPO a fighting chance.
PPO must fit a Basenji into a winter coat within 5 minutes. Basenji
cannot have worn a coat before.
PPO must removes thistles from an English Setter by hand with a
fine-toothed comb.
PPO must exercise a Viszla that has not been out for 2 days. PPO must
not tire out before the dog.
PPO must sleep in the same room as a Bulldog. If the PPO cannot sleep,
they must be happy in the morning.
PPO will navigate through 10 small dogs without stepping on one.
PPO must be able to secure a good supply of used plastic bags within 3
days.
PPO must be able to successfully get a dog to throw up in a plastic
grocery bag while in the passenger seat of a car.
PPO must not die of shock when they get the vet bill for neutering a
Mastiff.
PPO must sit in a closed room with two dogs that were fed broccoli and
beans and exhibit no disgusted facial expressions.
PPO must vow to nurture, love, train and care for their dogs for the
rest of the dog's life. PPO must accept that each dog is an individual which
needs to live in a pack. PPO must vow to educate themselves about the breed
of their choice and requirements expected. PPO must vow to obtain his dog
from a reputable shelter/rescue/breeder. Furthermore PPO must conduct
themselves in a responsible manner, securing liberties for the rest of the
dog-loving community.
PPO must remain good-humored and remember that for every insane, tough
moment there will be a hundred more good ones.
PPO must try to be the person that their dog thinks they are.
Wake Up - Guaranteed
Have you ever had to make excuses for being late for work? Don't you just
hate having to run to catch an early morning flight? Do you miss all those
middle-of-the-night asteroid showers -- or do you just like to be up at the
crack of dawn to watch the sunrise?
Well, sleep late no more! Because NOW, for a limited time, you can get the
bedside clock that is GUARANTEED to have you vertical and running at top
speed the INSTANT it sounds its alarm! You won't even feel like using a
10-minute snooze feature -- which is why we haven't built one into this
clock! Why not, you ask? The name says it all.
The revolutionary new Hurka Gurka Clock will ensure that you never again
miss an important appointment. What's more, you'll be wide awake from the
second your feet hit the floor, ready to take on your day! Here's how it
works. The Hurka Gurka Clock simulates those gut-wrenching pre-vomit sounds
coming from deep within your dog's stomach. The alarm sounds softly at
first, easing you out of your early-morning REM sleep. Then the sounds
become louder and more pronounced, until you are brought completely to your
senses by an unmistakable BLAP sound effect that can only mean one
thing -- touchdown!
Tests have shown that no one can turn over and go back to sleep while
thinking of stomach acids working their way into the carpet. You're wide
awake in an instant -- guaranteed!
And if you order in the next five minutes, we'll include a FREE 20 oz.
container of Nature's Miracle, for those times when your dog -- not the
Hurka Gurka Clock -- is the one who wakes you up.
So come on! Stop missing all those beautiful sunrises! Don't risk being
mistaken for a terrorist by running through airports to catch your flight!
Call now! Operators are standing by.
Translation of Yankee Dogs to Southern Dawgs
(Yankee) German Shepherd Dog (Southern) Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Poodle (Southern) Circus Dawg.
(Yankee) Doberman Pinscher (Southern) Dobimin Pinches.
(Yankee) Beagle (Southern) Rabbit Dawg.
(Yankee) Rottweiler (Southern) Mean As A Rattlesnake Dawg. Good dawg to guard the still.
(Yankee) Yellow Lab (Southern) Ol' Yeller Dawgs.
(Yankee) Black Lab (Southern) Duck fetchin' Dawg
(Yankee) Greyhound (Southern) Greased Lightnin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Malinois (Southern) Another kind of Poh-leece Dawg.
(Yankee) Blue Ticks, Red Bones, etc. (Southern) Prize Coon Dawgs.
(Yankee) Pekinese (Southern) Mop Dawg.
(Yankee) Chinese Crested (Southern) Nekkid Dawg.
(Yankee) Dachshund (Southern) Wienie Dawg.
(Yankee) Siberian Husky (Southern) Sled-Pullin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Bouvier, Komondor (Southern) "What In the World Kinda Dawg Is That?"
(Yankee) Great Dane, Mastiff (Southern) Danged BIG Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that raids the hen house (Southern) Egg-Suckin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any lazy dog (Southern) Good fer nothin' Dawg.
(Yankee) Any dog that's died and been buried and gone to Rainbow Bridge
(Southern) Best danged Dawg I ever had.
Dear Dogs
Dear Dogs,
When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two dogs in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically
pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping, they can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Dog Rules
DOG RULES:
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment named, for very good reason, the doghouse.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent basis, provided his doghouse can be sold in a yard sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal along with the doghouse in the yard sale, and the dog can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell the whole damn works and buy new furniture... upon which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping. That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's true.
How to Photograph your Puppy
1. Remove film from box and load camera.
2. Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash.
3. Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle.
4. Choose a suitable background for photo.
5. Mount camera on tripod, check flash and focus.
6. Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth.
7. Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera.
8. Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees.
9. Focus with one hand while fending off puppy with other hand.
10. Get tissue and clean nose print from lens.
11. Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose.
12. Put magazines back on coffee table.
13. Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head.
14. Replace your glasses and check camera for damage.
15. Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say "No, No! Outside!"
16. Call spouse to help clean up the mess.
17. Fix a drink.
18. Sit back in chair, put your feet up, sip your drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning.
No Room at the Inn
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it."
The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me."
Thunderstorm
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy."
Decoy
A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time, as everyone came out, he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously wasted that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car. After trying his keys on five others, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.
The Patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00!
The Patrolman was dumbfounded! "This equipment must be broken!" exclaimed the Patrolman. "I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the Designated Decoy!"